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[Well, red hair usually was considered undesirable-- at the very least, it was a major hurdle to being attractive, something that you had to overcome, especially as a guy. Pair that with freckles and being pale and skinny and you basically had the redheaded stepchild joke standing right in front of you.]

[So the whole intrigue thing there was weird, because nobody really wanted to see his ginger ass unless they were planning on beating the shit out of him. Or, like, wanted to turn him into a doppelganger.]

[But, Majima asked him to explain his own stupid ass and god, Tim wished that he knew how to keep his own dumb mouth shut sometimes. This was what happened when he ran off at the mouth, he had to explain the fucking nightmare mess that was his own brain. No one wanted that! Tim didn't even want to have to deal with his own nightmare brain, nevertheless show it to someone else.]

God, I should just never talk again.

[That was mostly to himself, because, like. Yeah. He should just never talk again.]

Look, I. I'm not trying to say that I don't believe you when you said that you like me? It's just that I know how things work, okay?

[Pretty people liked other pretty people and everybody else watched porn. Tim pinched at the bridge of his nose, looked away from Majima. He was supposed to be a writer, why was he so shitty at doing the thing that made words?]

And I'm not trying to come at you for having, like, standards, but. Let's be real, okay? You wouldn't have looked twice at me if I wasn't all--

[He gestured down at himself, at the body that wasn't really his.]

[ Holy shit, Tim. How did someone develop negative self esteem? ]

I did tell ya what a cabaret is, right? Worked with beautiful people all the time. But I never touched any of 'em.

[ If anything, Majima also worked with so many average/ugly/aging men whose faces looked like they were melting off that it seemed normal; he didn't kick dudes out of bed for being irregular produce. ]

I mean, I like strong dudes. And it's real nice the way you can fill out a shirt. But there's plenty of bulked-up muscleheads that ain't got a bite worth their bark. You could've just bailed in Felfri, or let me go up on that roof by myself. You didn't leave me hangin' when that revolver lady was trying to punch holes in me, either.

[ He was studying Tim's current face. Or rather, Jack's face, which was... average? Nice, if he smiled the way Tim did, though god knew he doubted its original owner was even capable of emotions that weren't 'asshole'. ]

It's not like I know what ya used to look like, so I'll say that odds are, yeah. If we passed each other on the street, or if you were too shy to talk to me, I probably wouldn't remember ya. If we got to talkin' like we did the first couple times, though, even if you were still that guy before the surgery, I still would've cared about you. Probably wouldn't have made a pass at ya if it seemed like you hated fighting; I wouldn't feel right dragging you into the bullshit I've got going on, and I don't know if you'd even be interested in me.

But ain't that just a bunch of what-ifs? It's not what happened.

[ He paused, searching for words that seemed frustratingly inadequate. His accent had slipped once or twice while he was trying to find a way to tell Tim all this, and now he simply dropped it. ]

I don't know how to convince you of this, but between the ugly guy who's sweet and a looker who's got a shit personality, I'll take the first one every time. And if you were asking yourself if I'd be into Jack just because he's got the same face, not in a million years.

[It took about twenty-odd years of the slow erosion of whatever confidence and self-worth his scrawny nerd body contained to develop the kind of negative self-esteem that Tim currently had. It was like anti-esteem, he had the miraculous ability to bum out other people with his own crushing depression.]

[Worst superpower ever, to be honest.]

[There was a moment when Majima was explaining that Tim kind of felt his stomach dive, the confirmation of these stupid insecurities-- I probably wouldn't remember ya-- but it's not unfair. It wasn't ever really Majima's behavior or inclinations that would've been the limiting factor, it was the fact that Tim wouldn't have ever had the balls to actually walk up to a guy that looked like him and talk to him. His own anxieties would've hamstrung him and it was kind of shitty for him to say you wouldn't have noticed me when the reality of it was that he wouldn't have let himself be noticed.]

I, god, okay, you shouldn't have to convince me, that's... that's not how relationships are supposed to work, I know that. I should trust you when you tell me you like me for me. And I do, it's just, I'm a mess from like the neck up? Seriously, shrinks would have a field day with me if I ever, like, actually went to one.

[Tim's whole, like, universe fucked up a perfectly good boy, that's what they did. Look at him, he's got anxiety.]

And uh, that whole Jack question hadn't actually entered my brain yet, which, hey, I'm kind of surprised that I haven't compulsively run through absolutely every worst-case scenario in my brain yet? But I'm glad we can just cross that off? Because that is a literal nightmare.

[Majima wanting to get with Jack. Thanks! He hated it.]

We talked on the network and he told me he had vibrators for hands.

[ Okay, so that wasn't 100% completely factually accurate, what Jack had really told him was that "my hands vibrate", and something about other stuff vibrating and how many fun functions he had, but long story short -- ]

It was disgusting.

[ But you know what, Majima didn't really want to devote a lot of mental energy to considering how horrific that mental image was. He'd rather talk about literally anything else. Which was exactly what he was going to do. ]

Overthinking, huh?

[ Majima looked at him for one moment, dropped his gaze to Tim's lips in the next, and then leaned in for a kiss. He was only aiming for a brief bit of contact, really, but... ]

Hell, I'd say you had more reason than most people to be kind of fucked up -- you've been through a lot. But I'm glad you believe me, because I'm kinda into you. Not that I wouldn't mind doing a little convincing.

[ He could be pretty persuasive? When he wanted to be. Maybe it was something about that smile. ]

[The topic of conversation was shifting away from Jack and his vibrator hands, which was, like, great? Tim had to deal with Jack on a regular basis, he really didn't want to have to give him any more thought than he absolutely had to. Especially not if they were going to talk about his gross vibrating functions.]

[And he wasn't even going to ask why Majima's conversation with Jack had somehow gotten onto the topic of what bits of him vibrated. Knowing Jack? He probably just shoved that fun fact into the conversation whether anyone involved liked it or not.]

[He was going to say something about that overthinking thing, probably something along the lines of if overthinking was an Olympic sport, I wouldn't even be there because I'd be too busy overthinking it, but he was stopped by Majima's lips against his. Which was fine, honestly, he wasn't going to say anything that was of any particular value anyway. Kissing him was probably a better use of everybody's time.]

Oh. Well, that's great, because if you didn't notice, I'm super into you.

[It wasn't like he was subtle about it. But, god, Tim had the shittiest luck in most everything, except apparently the boyfriend roulette? Because he hit jackpot on that, Majima was just a really great boyfriend?]

What, uh, kind of convincing were you thinking of? I mean, a little convincing might not be a bad thing? Just to make sure?

[ That got a little laugh out of him, and Majima took the opportunity to wrap an arm around Tim's waist and kiss him more thoroughly this round. By this time, the little birds up in the trees (probably Ryslig's version of sparrows) had gotten impatient, and had started flitting back down to the park and hop-skipping around the path, unwilling to wait for the dumb monsters to finish before continuing the hunt for their next meal.

It was really nice, actually, which was pretty strange because they'd just been talking about Tim's baggage but now one of Majima's hands was wandering in the vicinity of his boyfriend's ass.

Maybe it was kind of related, though. Maybe he just wanted to get a measure of the junk in Tim's trunk? ]

Wanna take a walk? Or I guess we could stay right here.

[ He didn't really care either way, it sounded like, staying right here and making out would be just fine with him, but they might get a little more actual background story out of each other if they headed back to town and talked while they were at it. ]

[There was some junk in Tim's trunk for Majima to check out if he was so inclined, but in terms of junk versus baggage, he probably had way more baggage. But Majima was also apparently willing to deal with the current baggage to ass ratio that they had going on right now, which was a way better outcome than Tim had anticipated.]

[Which... kind of described how this whole thing with the two of them had gone in general. Better than expected.]

[Tim put both hands against Majima's jaw, framing his face.]

God, how are you real? Did I just, like, dream you up?

[He kissed him again, quickly, just because he could, before putting his hands down on Majima's chest. (God. Things that he was continually thankful for-- Majima's tendency to never button his shirts up all the way.) It was tempting to just say that he wanted to stay right here, but he knew that if they did he'd probably just keep making out with him, and they were kind of in public? No one was around yet, sure, but that could change pretty quick.]

Yeah, let's walk a bit. It's really nice out, anyway?

[Not that Tim was exactly, like. Moving away from Majima's hold or in the direction of walking, but who could blame him?]

[ Majima was grinning as Tim broke the kiss. ]

I assure ya, I'm a hundred percent real.

[ He'd just take up Tim's hand instead, lacing their fingers loosely together as he did so. It had been a while since he'd walked with anyone like this, someone he was sweet on who had actually penetrated his general aura of invincible obliviousness.

As they walked back in the direction of downtown, he'd pick up where he left off; Tim hadn't asked, exactly, but in the interest of sharing, certainly it'd be better to fill him in on some details? But only after a little bit of walking first. ]

Anyway, uh... that's why I was working for Sagawa at the Cabaret Grand. Took me about two years to dig out of the hole it was in and make it to the top of the industry -- enough to get him the profits he asked for.

Only after I got there, he changed the terms. Wanted 500 million instead of the 100 he'd originally asked for.

[ Majima's smile had a bit of an acerbic edge to it now. ]

Like I said, we both knew the hooks were in. So when he offered me another way out all of a sudden, I jumped at the chance. Knew it was a bad idea, but... at that point, I didn't give a damn.

[ It was hard to articulate the desperation, the cumulative effect of years of having to bow and scrape and put up with Sagawa constantly pushing his buttons. The willingness to do anything, for anyone, so long as it meant somehow making it up to Saejima. ]

Edited 2019-05-20 06:35 (UTC)

[It really was a nice day for a walk, especially near the lake. And there were all those cute little birds hopping around, which kind of made Tim think that he ought to come back sometime with bird seed or something and feed them. Was that allowed?]

[A little bit of walking later and, well, it was back to the serious stuff. Not that this was a bad thing, Tim wanted to have some context for the things that Majima had told him already.]

[But, boy. This was a familiar story-- some asshole moving the goal posts so that you could never quite get out from under his thumb. And he couldn't completely understand the full desperation of it, the fallout of what had happened between Majima and his brother, but maybe Tim understood a little better than most.]

I don't think anyone could blame you for wanting to get out of that situation. [Especially considering what he'd mentioned about being watched and jerked around. Sounded like hell.] What did he ask you to do?

[Tim figured that it was nothing good. It sounded like a set-up-- two shitty choices, with the one that Sagawa really wanted done engineered to look like the less unbearable of the two, even if it would be unthinkable under normal situations.]

Kill someone.

[ Majima could have said 'a hit', but that was what it came down to when you stripped away the veneer of industryspeak. A murder, as Sagawa would have said, was a murder. By now, his Kansai accent was back in place. ]

I had three days to find and off some scumbag pimp. Only once I found him, he wasn't a he; it was a blind girl. Makoto Makimura. She was workin' as a therapist's assistant out of a hole-in-the-wall clinic. Short hair, 'bout twenty years old, maybe 115 pounds soakin' wet. And for some reason, she had half the crime families in Sotenbori chasin' her down.

[ And what a clusterfuck that first encounter had been -- a comedy of fucking errors, with Nishitani's clowns and Wen Hai Lee tossed into the cast for good measure. Only that night he had gotten her alone. For perhaps the first time, Majima sounded unsure of himself, like he was feeling around to try and express something without truly knowing what it was. ]

I couldn't do it. I... tried, I had the chance.

[ But ultimately, he'd failed, and that knowledge was somehow both a relief and a splinter of doubt he now carried with him. What did it mean to be a yakuza who'd never pulled the trigger? What if he couldn't? What did it mean that he'd still tried, even knowing that Sagawa's backstory had been a lie?

He'd been so sure at the time that he'd put down Dōjima and his pet assassin, but in the end he'd let Sera talk him out of that, too. ]

I ended up tryin' to help her instead. She's safe now, not that I really did much for her in the end. Out of all of us, I'd say it was Sera's show.

[ Yet there was none of that conflict in Majima's manner when he talked about Makoto, and maybe Tim might recognize the shift in the tone of his voice, the softening of his expression.

He loved her. He still did. ]

[There it was.]

[A bait-and-switch. Killing someone was a terrible thing-- god, did Tim know that-- but it could be almost justifiable if the person that you were killing was awful enough. Getting rid of some piece of shit pimp who hurt women could have almost been considered an improvement to society, even if it was a case of nice motive, still murder. But some civilian girl who just wanted to live her life? It was a hell of a moral choice-- what was more important, everything you'd worked so hard to get in life, or the life of somebody you didn't know? Somebody who'd never done anything to anyone?]

[It said a lot about Majima that he saved her instead of going through with it. And the way he talked about her, too-- the way his voice went gentle and everything about him softened. Tim wasn't an expert on love, not by a long shot, but that was probably what it looked like. He was maybe even a little jealous, just for a little bit.]

Wow.

[That was a hell of a thing to do for someone.]

So, you were supposed to kill this girl who had a whole bunch of crime families after her, and you just gave 'em all the middle finger and protected her instead? That's... wow. That's really brave?

[And absolutely stupid. Like, balls-to-the-wall dumb as hell, 99% chance of getting your dumb ass killed. But brave.]

If she's okay-- and I'm glad that she is-- then... what about you? Aren't they going to come after you once they find out what you did?

[ Majima let out a short breath. ]

More like suicidal. [ ...ly stupid. He knew it was stupid, they knew it was stupid, everyone knew it was the dumbest decision on the planet putting your life on the line for a gal you'd only known for a couple of hours at best. ]

Listen, don't... get me wrong, alright? The way you said it makes it sound like I did it outta the goodness of my heart. But if I was really a good guy, I wouldn't have been there in the first place. I agreed to the job. And...

[ And what? Falling for the girl he'd been sent to kill was fucked up? That was only the east annex in the ice cream castle of tomfuckery that was the last few years of Majima's life. ]

Anyway. Believe it or not, no. I kinda lost it toward the end and beat the shit outta everyone in the Dōjima family, so now everyone's terrified of me. When I went back to Kamurochō a couple months ago, it looked like Sera was on the short list for Chairman, too. So it's all comin' up roses, 'cept for the people that died.

[ What did we learn from this experience, kids

that's right, violence solves all your problems ]

...Can I tell ya something?

I mean, I wasn't going to say it.

[Because... yeah, it was suicidal. And stupid. And suicidally stupid.]

[But sure, Majima had agreed to the job, and that wasn't great, morally speaking. He'd also agreed to the job on false pretenses, and then said 'fuck this job' when it wasn't what he'd thought it was. That didn't mean nothing.]

[And if they were going to talk about making things sound like something it wasn't, Majima had thought that what Tim had done on Elpis was heroic. It only had sounded that way because Tim left out all the bits that condemned him, the horrible things that he was told to do.]

[And honestly? It was probably selfish, because Tim had a vested interest in Majima's continued good health, but he was glad that things were coming up roses for him. If he got that safety because he beat the shit out of a bunch of guys that Tim would never meet and some people maybe turned up dead, well... Tim couldn't say that he was all that upset about it. Not so long as Majima would be fine.]

[Violence wasn't the answer-- it was the question, and the answer was yes.]

Yeah, of course. Go ahead.

That last raid was suicidal... but after all that time tryin' to play by the rules [ trying so hard to do things right ], I just stopped carin' about the consequences.

[ Or if he lived or died. ]

Wreckin' Dōjima and his boys, not giving a shit what happened... I was angry, but lookin' back? It was a rush.

[ That glint in Majima's eye now was akin to the look he'd gotten back at the Cube -- a kind of quiet reveling in past chaos. For all his sleek dress and seeming levelheadedness, after all, Majima always had something of a wild streak. It was why he could burst into song on a lark, why he'd trained the house band to play battle music on cue, why he'd decided the second(ish) date was the perfect time to break out the rope.

And goddamn if it didn't feel so much better to turn that anger outward at last. To see the fear in their eyes, feel the reassuring crack of delicate bone. ]

That's how it is in the business. No one cares what's right or wrong, but they sure as hell will get outta the way if they're afraid of ya.

Guess I turned into the right monster after all.

[ Fit for polite society in one moment, bristling with claws and fangs in the next. Symbolism, or some shit. ]

Edited 2019-05-26 09:11 (UTC)

Okay.

[The fact that Majima had a wild side wasn't exactly a shock-- Tim had seen him in the Cube, how he'd enjoyed the violence of it and the danger. The appreciative way he'd looked at Tim when he was bruised and covered in blood, like he'd thought it was a good look for him. Majima reveled in fighting and didn't really try to hide it.]

[Tim was reminded, then, of what Majima had told him about the hannya masks, like the one he had on his back-- that if the actor tilted it one way, it would look sad, and another, and it would be angry. Or, in this case, restraint one way and disinhibition the other. He didn't know if Majima picked his own tattoo or how that whole system worked, but if he had, it was kind of on the nose. Symbolic. Hell, he had that stupid writing degree, he ought to be able to recognize symbolism when it was staring him right in the face.]

It's... none of this is exactly surprising? I mean, I've seen you in a fight. And it's not like I'm going to go off on you about how violence is bad or something, I try not to be a massive hypocrite.

[Majima's seen exactly what kind of violence he's capable of, too. Bullets and a thing for faces. Where would he get off on judging Majima for going ham on some gangsters?]

To be really honest with you? If beating up these Dōjima guys is what kept everyone else from piling on you? I'm glad you beat the shit out of them. I'm glad they're afraid of you.

You're a pretty strange guy, Tim.

[ Affectionate, but a little puzzled. He regarded Tim for a few moments, tracing over the now-familiar features of his 'new' face. ]

Not like any of it matters out here, I guess. People barely even care if you're a criminal. [ Kind of fucked up. Even Majima recognized that, though when you and your peers were forced to eat human beings to survive, perhaps a natural consequence. ]

...ex-criminal.

[ You know, can't forget about the being TRIPLE SUPER ULTRA BANISHED. And while Majima had on some level picked his tattoo because it spoke to him, because of its perceived meaning... well, he never could have predicted how much it would relate to the path his life had followed after he'd gotten it, up to and including the bit about the part about returning to being human. Or perhaps the impossibility of the same. ]

[ I'm glad they're afraid of you. How strangely... vindictive? Honest? Whatever it was, the sentiment produced a strange sort of twisting feeling in him there, as he listened to Tim. It was freeing, giving in to what he wanted -- not bothering to fight it. But Majima was free because he was broken, and he knew it. ]

But if ya don't mind me askin', why get involved with a former yakuza? Your life sounds complicated enough, and there're people out there with better depth perception.

To be fair, I liked you before I knew you were yakuza.

[He'd been pretty well disposed towards Majima before there had ever even been the slightest mention of gangsters-- how couldn't he be, after the dramatic alleyway rescue when they met, and then later when Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome bought him time with cute cats? Cat Observation Post Majima had endeared himself to Tim's weird, cat-loving heart.]

[Tim looked up at him then, considering this new information that he'd gotten about him and whether or not that really changed much of his opinion. And... it really didn't. It gave him a new perspective, maybe, on why he was the way he was, why he had a field that was so barren of fucks to give. The particular way that Majima Gorō was broken. But, hey, both of them were broken in different ways, so they're just... broken together, maybe.]

And you've seen the kind of people that I hang out with, they're a bunch of mercenaries and ex-assassins and... [His brow furrowed a little.] ...whatever the hell Nisha is, other than like ten pounds of nuts in a five pound bag. Maybe I've just acquired a taste for criminals? Y'know, like olives.

[Eat enough of them and you start to like it?]

I guess... if you're a complication, you're a complication that I want to have in my life. That I picked. If that makes sense?

Yeah. It does.

[ Having your choices, your freedom stripped from you was a terrible thing. Majima ought to know. ]

And ya are a grown-ass man, so I guess -- wait. How old are ya, again?

[ He was pretty sure he'd told Tim he was 24, but... ]

Oh yeah, and I was thinkin' of moving into a new place. Would it be weird if I got a leather couch? Is it still okay to eat hamburgers?

[ What were these questions.... ]

Don't worry, I'm 22. I'm a grown-ass man, I promise.

[For whatever amount of grown-ass man a 22-year-old was. He was constantly in need of a real adult, someone please help him.]

[But, god, he was almost thankful that they were moving on to way less heavy topics. This whole weird beef situation? Sure, he'd had all of these same thoughts that Majima was apparently having. Did he really have to give up steak for the rest of his time on this peninsula just because he'd gotten cowboy on the monster lottery draw? That sounded like bullshit, cows are delicious.]

God, I hope so, I still eat hamburgers and I have leather pants. And I mean, it shouldn't be weird at all for you, it might be weird for me? Don't let the fact that half of me is delicious stop you from eating a burger.

[ Well, that was slightly less than reassuring considering that Majima apparently called 20 year olds 'kids' but maybe it was all in the atti

tude....

whatever, Tim could make his own terrible decisions, right? ]

Leather pants.

[ Look. All Majima was saying was that why didn't Tim wear them more often, that was the least he could do so Majima could appreciate how his ass filled out the back. ]

Actually, that reminds me -- first of all, I still gotta buy some more rope. You still wanna come with me to get some?

...and second of all, how do ya feel about the beach?

[ And why was he leading with 'do you want to go to the sex store with me'. ]

A leather jacket, too. It's part of the uniform for my bouncing gig.

[He said this like it was totally normal, why wouldn't he have leather pants and a leather jacket? That he wore for his job, that involved tossing people to the curb when they got too rowdy?]

[Nothing interesting here, just a uniform.]

[At least there wasn't anybody else around here when Majima started talking about sex accessory shopping. The back of Tim's neck still went red, but it was better than if there had been an audience to overhear.]

Why does that make you think about going to a sex shop? [It should be obvious, just give him a few minutes. He'll realize it on his own.] I mean, sure, I kind of owe you for the rope anyway. You had to cut up yours to get me loose.

[The second question was somehow no easier than the first, because... he'd never really been? Hard to have an opinion on beaches if your only knowledge to draw from was, like... magazines and movies. They seemed nice in those, though.]

Uh, I guess I'm all for beaches? Like, theoretically speaking, they sound nice.

[He still didn't know how to swim, though.]

Oh, good.

[ On both counts, actually, because not only had Majima been thinking about a chance to ask Tim more in detail about what sort of accessories he might be interested in, but the beach kind of sounded really nice. ]

'cause I read about recommendations for the second one online. Been ages since I've actually been, though -- so I thought you could help me pick out a suit.

[ God, look at Tim blushing. A-fuckin'-dorable. And there kind of wouldn't be any point if Tim didn't like the beach, at least in theory. Because why the hell would Majima bother getting half-naked for some randos, n o p e. ]

[Oh, good, sex accessories-- another conversation that Tim could embarrass himself in. He already blushed just at the mention of a sex shop, to say nothing of actually going into one and looking through what it had to offer and then actually purchasing things. Taking all of that stuff up to a cashier and exchanging money for those goods.]

[He'd be so red that he might actually catch fire. It would probably be spectacular.]

[Instead, they could talk about beaches and Majima in swimsuits. Because that was... better?]

Oh, yeah, sure. Glad to help?

[Because he was going to complain about getting to see Majima in an array of small amounts of clothing?]

I guess I'll have to get one too, then. I haven't, uh, gone swimming?

[It would be going drowning, more likely.]

[ You, too?, he almost asked, only that would kind of be blowing his stupid internet handle thing. ]

Hey, no problem. I can teach ya.

Or we can just walk or somethin'. Only thing ya really need's sunscreen, anyhow. And a towel. Otherwise sand gets in all kindsa places.

[ What kind of beach trip was this. ]

[It would blow both of their anonymous internet handles and reveal that Majima had been anonymously talking to Tim about the thing that he needed to talk to Tim about. Which would just be embarrassing for both of them, honestly.]

Half the point of being at the beach is to get in the water, right? [At least, that was what he was told on that post. Man, a lot of people were doing beach dates these days for totally unrelated reasons.] I'm sure I can pick it up, it can't be that hard.

[beat]

Wait. Sand in what kinda places?

[At least it was a nice day for a walk, even if that walk was going to end at a sex shop. And knowing Majima, one with an appropriately groan-worthy pun in its name.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, TIMOTHY LAWRENCE. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 011.11.201.45 * mrhandsome69 has joined 011.11.201.45 <USERNAME> First sentence of message. <BANNED USER> SCREENED MESSAGE. UNSCREEN? Y/N -- sample for when you ban someone <USERNAME> First sentence of message. <USERNAME>** First sentence of message.

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wanna timeskip this one to embarrassing sex store shenanigans?

yes let's